What Happened?

I seriously just want to cry.

How in the world did something that started so great,

end up so shitty?

I never wanted this to happen.

I knew I wasn't ready for it.

Falling for someone new, after all that I had been through,

was the last thing in the world that was on my mind.

But you were different. 

And you were worth the risk.

Or so I thought?

Perfection. The whole night had been.  Actually, every moment we had spent together since we'd met a week before had been more then I ever could have imagined.  I felt so comfortable, like we had been long-time friends, and not strangers just a few short days ago.

Our second date.  You promised, "I'm going to show you a side of San Diego you've never seen before."  How could I have known you'd end up showing me the same thing about yourself?

Laying on the beach at Tourmaline, equippted with a blanket & your jacket & strong arms for warmth, I lay there uncharacteristicly silent.  

My mind is racing.

(Could I really be falling for him so fast?)

(No, no.  You can't Baby.  You're not ready.  Keep those walls up.  Keep him out. You're not ready.)

You notice the not-so-typical silence. My mind is elsewhere & you already know me that well.

"Hey.  What's wrong?" you grab my hand and gently trace my fingers with yours.

(Ugh. Please stop doing that.  Please stop being so amazing to me. I don't want to fall for you.)

(But it's already easy for me to be honest with him.  It's just so comfortable.)

"Honestly, I just can't believe how much I like you already..."

He kisses my forehead.

"I feel the exact same way.  It's like you're too good to be true."

(This.  Is too good to be true.)

...

It's a chilly April evening.  Me, in a hot pink strapless sundress and your Volcolm hoodie ( I love that you are such a typical Surfer boy.)  You, with your arms wrapped tightly around me to keep me warm..

I feel so safe enclosed in your embrace.  It's like all the past pain just melts away.  And I can see all the possiblities of what's to come just by looking into your eyes.

...

You start talking about past relationships.  I gaze dreamily into the black horizon.  Listening to unseen waves crash angrily at the shoreline.  And then I catch it, a phrase that makes my hairs stand on end, and my stomach flip and my heart ache just a tiny bit.

"...I usually move on easily."

I'm not sure how that sentence began?  I'm still not sure.  But all I know, and all I knew was one thing.

(I'm gonna get hurt.)

Silence.

I feel tears forming in the corner of my eyes.

(You're not ready, Baby.  You're not ready for another heartbreak.  Another disappointment.)

I stare straight ahead.  I can't look into his eyes.

"Baby, what's wrong?  Come on. Tell me.  Just tell me what you're thinking."

I look up at his sweet face, so full of genuine concern.

(Was it genuine?  I'm still not so sure.)

"Honestly..."

(Walls, baby!  Keep your guard up! Don't let those walls fall down.)

"I was just thinking, 'I'm gonna get hurt.'"

"Listen to me, Baby.  Are you listening to me?"

I nod.

He grabs my hand.  Aligns is face with mine.  Stares intently into my now glassy blue eyes.

"I will never hurt you. Never. I want you to open up to me.  I want you to trust me."

And I did.  Despite all my better judgement, I let myself fall once again.

He tore down those walls I had built & I felt helpless to stop them.

I was just so sure.

So sure of his feelings for me, and of mine for him.

I wanted this to be different.  Him to be different.

But I was wrong.

Over a year later, I still replay those amazing moments in my head again and again.

And I wish I could go back to those nights and start over again.

Re-live this past year.

Or just take it all back.  So we would have never started this at all...

My phone rings, it's 10:04pm.

"It's not him", I think to myself.  There's no way.

He's called the past three nights, and even though up until a month or two ago

 we used to talk before bed every single night

(Our "nightcap" as he used to call it...)

nothing's been the same lately.  Everything is just bad. 

Friends?

Is that what we're trying to be now?

Do you fight with your "friends" like you fight with me?

Do you get jealous over them?

Do you tell your friends your in love with them? 

Do you sleep with them? 

 (Maybe you do.  I obviously don't know you like I thought I did.)

Tonight is no different.

He wants to make plans for Sunday night.

He wants me to go out with him and his ex-Supervisor.

His ex-Supervisor, that he used to hook up with.

He says he's surpised I'm ok with that.

(I'm not.  But I pretend I am, none the less.)

I ask, "Are you going to be all over her?"

(I know I shouldn't have. But his answer will determine if I really want to go.)

"Well she's single.  You're single.  And I'm single.  I'll be dancing with you both."

(No.  No, no, no, no, no. I want out.)

"That's ok", I reply, "You can just dance with her.  I don't want to be apart of it."

An argument ensues.  I'm told that I'm being "obsessive" and "pyschotic"

I say that I'm being neither.  I just would rather have all the attention on me or none of it at all. 

I don't want to play these games.

We get over it.

He suggests having a get-together Saturday night.

He says he'll bring his friends and I'll bring mine.

"You're my date for the party."

Oh, yeah?

Right.

I should walk away, I know.

I know things are broken beyond repair.

I know that the only result left is a broken heart, whether it's from

giving up and moving on or from him constantly acting this way.

What happened to that amazing guy?

What happened to those feelings of security and comfort you brought me?

I knew.

I knew I wasn't ready for another heartbreak.

And yet, here I am.

Crying.

Heart aching.

Wishing things wouldn't have changed.